She told me, "God doesn't like ugly, Karen."

Some say that it is not a prerequisite to write about your personal life in a Blog in order to bond with your readers, but I don't know how to write strictly fiction nor do I think it's a good idea. I believe that some of the most wonderful and miraculous lessons happen in our everyday lives as I have shown you here and there since we have met here online.

What I am going to tell you now is something that I was told over the weekend and through last week is something that others felt was much to personal to divulge, but the ending of this story is just so important, I feel compelled to share it.

Back in 2004, I chose to leave my first marriage due to violence and abuse between my husband and myself at that time. What you should also know is that there were two young boys (4 and 2) bearing witness to this violence and abuse day in and day out. I had to do something as I was dieing. I didn't know where to turn and the story is just so long that I will make it as succinct as possible. I called the shelters, they were full and told me that because I didn't work, if my husband found out where I was with the children, the court would give them right back to him as it is better to be with the bread winner versus in a shelter. The way this State's (not Indiana) system saw it, its better for the kid's to be with the abuser than broke with the abused. Knowing that, I called my Mother and begged her to come stay but due to her religious beliefs and being unaware of just how bad it was, she refused us shelter. She regrets that now more than anything in her life.

I did all the right things initially and then feeling helpless, became hopelessly addicted to the prescription medication that the psychiatrist my husband forced me to go too gave to me like a pusher and drinking too. I just wanted to not feel pain anymore. My life was in a downward spiral and he was going to eventually kill me (I believed due to his repeated threats) so I decided to do it myself. Do not feel sorry for me. I could have chosen to be strong, but I chose instead a selfish path. I felt trapped, alone and with no money, no employment and no way to make a move or action (thought or deed) on my own without his consent, I just crumbled.

It culminated in June of 2004. I had begged him on my knees two months earlier to just leave. I told him (and I meant it) that I would NEVER keep his children from him and that he didn't even need to pay support, just please leave. I felt as though I couldn't think, act or speak correctly and without his telling me how to do all three, but I wanted a chance at it. That night in June, we fought for the last time. I stood up to him. He got to the phone first, and I went to jail. Beaten, battered and with a concussion, I went to jail. My words to the Police when they showed up? "Whatever he says…I don't care, just get me out of here away from him please." I had no emotions left. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything but just go limp. So, they took me. I implied my guilt by not fighting and yes; I served 6 months in jail for that offense. My husband, not injured, my children, asleep upstairs who never woke from the ruckus (they were conditioned to hear their father yelling at me and my crying), never knew what happened except that they awoke the next day and Mom was gone.

While I was in jail, my husband was awarded full custody of the children and was able to keep all money and property of the marriage as well. I was left financially destitute. I had never been in trouble before and certainly had no idea how to represent myself in court in a divorce that took until 2007 to be finally granted. During this time, my husband took our children to another state against court order with no repercussion. I was told time and time again that since I had been jailed, I was worthless to the kids and to society as a whole. Well, that's what the Judges told me. The Corrections Officers in the jail were a completely different story. They could see I was not a criminal and shielded me and guided me for 6 months on how to become a strong, independent and Godly woman. They, along with the so-called dregs of society (the other inmates) the people society had cast out due to drug addiction (almost 99%) saved my life. I may not have known how to be an attorney nor did I know where I was going and what I was going to do without my children, but I did know one thing. I WAS NEVER GOING BACK TO MY HUSBAND!

After being left with nothing and just absolutely mentally raped repeatedly in "the court system", I was granted a divorce against my husband's wishes in February of 07. Funny, this man put a five-year restraining order against me and it was granted, but he still wanted those divorce proceedings to keep going. Funny how obvious that abuse was and that not one Judge noticed it huh? Well…not quite. I was filled was rage. I was subjected to only seeing my children through supervised visitation ordered by my husband and the "Family Department" of the Court. There is NOTHING family oriented about that department. However, there is plenty of MONEY motivation. He who has the most money wins. I was unemployable after my charge was rendered (it is the only misdemeanor charge in that State that is inexpugnable) and was ordered by what is called imputation to pay about $500.00 a month in child support starting while I was still in jail. While looking for employment and under threat to be returned to jail, I took a job in a not so great part of town and was raped and left for dead. Marvelous staffing at a local trauma based hospital saved me. Post that surgery was given pain medication. Because I took that medication, I failed the drug tests put upon me and therefore this supervised visitation has gone on for 4 years. I had letters from therapists stating that I was fine mentally but the Judge would not take those into evidence because well, I don't know why. Meanwhile, the court was still making money off of me, my family and the family of my current husband who did their best to help me out anyway they could.

I know you are wondering where this is going. I am finally there. I was gone for the past week back in that state and back in the court system due to my ex husband dragging me back into court once again in the hopes of causing me to be jailed. His plan almost worked except for one small flaw….the Judge who had found so much favor on him was not our Judge this time. This time, we were given a Magistrate who saw right through him. She could see the pattern of abuse he had been putting me through via the courts. I sit here today free and with no charges pending nor any in the future to be given regarding my children or the post divorce decree.

There was an employee of the court and they had been witness to my experiences as this case started, worked through and witnessed my ex husbands hateful words and threats to me outside of the courtroom. They saw through the "meek act" he put on. This person stated to me on one very hard day, "Karen, God doesn't like ugly. What he is doing is ugly, He will have to answer for it someday, you just keep strong and things will turn." As I looked into this person's eyes and felt their strong arms around me as they hugged me so tightly, I though I might break, I realized that these experiences were for a purpose. So, instead of being angry and dismayed, I began to pray.

I prayed daily for the court, my ex husband, my children and those social workers who tortured me endlessly for years. I looked past the looks of condemnation and the harsh words and just stayed focus on the Lord and continually asked for His strength and clarity. I simply prayed. The anger began to dissipate and the wisdom came. The PEACE was astounding. This most recent trip was because without work, I was behind on support once again. Although the Judge did see that what I had been telling her for years was true and that other offenders of my charge were coming in droves to her courtroom telling her the same thing, she lowered my support to almost nothing. Sickness and misfortune caused me to fall behind and a friend I made here in Brazil came forward with a loan for the full amount owed. My Church took up a love offering for me also to pay for my trip and lodging/food. I walked in that courtroom vulcanized; I walked out a free woman with a true touch of God's miraculous love and mercy displayed so obviously, I had to practically carry myself out of that courtroom. I don't know now if that Magistrate was a Christian or if she just could see that this had gone on long enough, but she had favor on me and with her words and actions, she shone true love, wisdom and mercy.

So no, this story doesn't have the fairytale ending of me getting the children back. No, this story doesn't have the fairytale ending of my ex husband and I coming together and becoming friends for the sake of my children. However, let me tell you the fairytale ending you may not see.

For most of my life, my relationship with my parents was broken at its best times. It is now healed and better than it has ever been. My relationship with my two sons is so pure and they see what has been done to me and see that Mommy NEVER EVER says ANYTHING negative about Daddy and they depend on my love for their Dad to help them work through the anger they feel towards him now. I was also blessed with my new husband coming into my life and the birth of my now 2.5 year old son from a womb that could no longer conceive nor carry a child again (an absolutely perfect pregnancy and delivery when the other two were extremely high risk and born preemies.) My mental health has never been better and although some scars remain, I am a new woman.

Here is the point; God delivers if you ask Him too. I had gotten down on my knees two weeks prior to being jailed and begged Him to deliver me out of the situation I was in. Jail may not have been my perfect choice, but it got me out right? I came out physically and mentally whole and free of addiction. The Judge I spent so many months being angry at, I now would hug if I saw her again and thank her so profusely for helping save my life. As far as the boys go being with my ex? When the Lord is ready for them to transition, then no one in Heaven or Earth will stop that from happening.

I have life… whole, free and wonderfully blessed. While not perfect, it is REALLLLLLY close in comparison. There are second chances, but you cannot always look to man for those second chances. Look to God first and then He will place those people in your life that will work miracles that you cannot possibly explain or describe without awe.

Stay Tuned….

Karen Meister can be contacted at: ksframeofmind@yahoo.com