Pariah in a Small Town

Posted Thursday, February 19, 2009, at 3:00 PM

I had a person ask me last night, "Can people in a small town make a mistake and still be allowed to live?!" While puzzled by the context, I was curious about that answer myself. So out I went and with phone in hand, I asked several people of differing generations, backgrounds, sexual persuasions and economic position.

This is what I found out: No, you cannot.

The reason? Gossip in a small town seems to become Urban Legend more quickly thanks I suppose to the close proximity and longevity of the familial connections. What someone did at 15 years old to the new person in town becomes new again. The things I have heard about another person in this town when meeting someone new are from the fantastic to the unbelievable. I wait for them to end their tale and then ask them the age of the person in their story now and they tell me, "Oohhhhh, I'd say about 50 years old I guess". WOW! Can you imagine ripping your pants in public at 15 and it STILL being news when you're 50?!! Talk about pressure!

It's amazing to me how this whole system works. I have a buddy who made a mistake and BAM they were the hot gossip! I'll tell you what this person ACTUALLY did compared to the GOSSIP story was completely different! I witnessed people succumb to acting like a pack of wild dogs attacking this person publicly for something they perceived this person did based on one other person's story. Problem is, the person telling the story was stone drunk. Now, we all know when we have a few, our details can be marred via emotional response or hazy memory syndrome (a side effect of the brown bottle flu) and then to be put out for public consumption only gives it legs to run.

So, there is no easy answer to this other then to say if you don't witness it yourself, shut it! You aren't missing out on anything if you miss a tale or two in town, but what you gain is knowing that YOU ARE NOT responsible for another's degradation and sadness. Don't we all have enough to worry about in these tough economic times? Do you really need to drag another down in order to make yourself feel better? Nah, I don't think you do.

I'll leave you with this unknown Author's poem that was sent to me by another friend when I mentioned that I was going to put fingers too keyboard about this topic and I think it says it all about gossip.

I am Gossip . . .

My name is Gossip.

I have no respect for justice.

I break hearts and ruin lives.

I am cunning, malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.

I flourish at every level of society.

My victims are helpless.

They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.

I am nobody's friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

I topple governments and wreck marriages. I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion. I spawn suspicion and generate grief.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows. Even my name hisses.

I am called GOSSIP. Office gossip- Shop gossip- Party gossip- Telephone gossip.

I make headlines and headaches.REMEMBER, you repeat a story, ask yourself: is it true? Is it fair? Is it necessary?? If not, do not repeat it. KEEP QUIET.

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GREAT minds discuss ideas.. Average minds discuss events.. Shallow minds discuss people.. Which are you . . . ?

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Stay tuned!

Karen Meister can be contacted at: ksframeofmind@yahoo.com.

Comments
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You are absolutely right Leo and thanks so much for your input! Hope all is well with you and yours!

KM.

-- Posted by karenmeister on Tue, Feb 24, 2009, at 12:13 PM

I have to disagree with you, Karen, not on the effects of gossip; but that gossip (and its sibling, rumor) is a small town phenomena. I've lived in larger places, (LA, San Diego, and Wilmington, NC) and have observed the same thing happen there with the same damaging effect. While it appears that the long-range effects of gossip and rumor is longer lasting in a small town, people do not live in a "big" city even if their address is within its city limits. They live in a neighborhood, usually no larger than a town or small city. They consistently shop at the same stores local to their home, may work close to home, and associate with the people near them. Just as we are located about 20 miles from Terre Haute and make shopping trips to that city or may work there, very few people travel that far to meet their daily needs.

-- Posted by Leo L. Southworth on Tue, Feb 24, 2009, at 11:53 AM

What really makes gossip in a small town so pathetic is that you have to continue to face the ones doing the gossiping while you are out in public places.

-- Posted by drmgal on Fri, Feb 20, 2009, at 2:41 PM

I agree great blog , unforunatley a big majority have been the topic of a rumor at one pointor another. I live in a tiny town (one 2 way stop) in clay county and around here everyone THINKS they know everyone elses business and spread without even knowing or caring if its true. People that start and spread rumors have nothing better to do and thats theirw ay of mkaing themselves feel better about who they are.

-- Posted by mom of3 on Fri, Feb 20, 2009, at 9:08 AM

I really enjoyed your blog Karen. Gossip has always been in this town and always will. As we all know if you divorce in this town, everyone has a story. I know, I've been there, but I figured the week they were gossiping about me, they were leaving some other victim alone. To huladancer, I hope you and your family are healing. As long as you and the good Lord above know the truth, then you will overcome it. Time does heal our wounds, we also find out who our true friends are. As for trusting, I have 2 friends I can tell everything to that I know will not repeat it. I have several people that confide in me to not repeat what they have told me. I joke with them and tell them I don't repeat it, because I have it forgot before I wake up the next morning. I guess living in a small town is one of the prices we pay for living here, but I still wouldn't want to live in a big city.

-- Posted by SURVIVINGMOM on Fri, Feb 20, 2009, at 6:01 AM

Great blog, Karen, and wonderful, thruthful poems. As someone whose life has been greatly affected by town gossip recently, this really hit home. For people to think that they have the right to rip someone apart publicly just because there is a forum to do so, is sickening. Being disheartened by the way that my family's life was thrust into the spotlight, having to watch and listen to people who don't know us discuss our lives and make horrible accusations, it would be easy for me to say that you are correct in your writing; you don't get second chances in a small town. However, can you make a mistake in a small town and still be allowed to live? I've wondered that a lot lately. My answer may surprise you, as my family is still healing from just one of the public lynchings that have happened recently, but, ABSOLUTLEY. Although this town does have people that have nothing better to do then to wait around and jump on the first weakness they see in someone, simple minds move on quickly and unfortunatly, they are always waiting to pounce on their next victim. People that like to spread malicious gossip move on quickly from person to person so that they are not forced to look into what makes their own lives so pathetic and why they have nothing else worth talking about, except for other people. These people like to leave a wake of battered and bruised reputations and emotions without an afterthought. What you do with yourself afterward, is what makes the difference in a small town. People are always watching how you handle a situation, so that maybe you'll trip again, and they will have more to talk about. I've nursed my family through our gossip crisis by simply refusing to respond to it, which has actually been very hard. I think it is only human to want to set the record straight and let people know the truth of a situation, but once people see that they can't keep you down, they will move on.

I was not born in Brazil, but have chosen to make my life and raise my family here. Even after all the negative that has happened recently, I still believe in this town and the people in it. For the handful of people that could not wait to spread hurtful rumors about my family, there were ten times as many reaching out to us, letting us know how much they love us and wanting to do whatever they could.

I really have no intention of sounding like I'm better then anyone else. I have listened to gossip before, responded to it and in my younger days, I'm sure I spread my fair share of it. But I would just like to remind people that do spread gossip, that you are talking about someone's child, spouse, sibling, parent or friend and it affects all people who love that person.

I do believe you can be the town gossip and still come out clean on the other side. My family will be proof of that because this town, although it is occupied by people whose only sense of self-worth comes by making others feel worthless, is also full of wonderful, kindhearted, generous people that will seek out the truth before making harsh judgements.

-- Posted by huladancer on Thu, Feb 19, 2009, at 11:30 PM

Karen,

Gossip is very destructive, even cruel.

In our lifetime true friends are few and far between. This is sad.

I was recently invited into a friendship and I have decided to become friends with this person-she is fun to be with, and the best part of this is I can trust her! I can be me around her!

Thank you Karen!!!

Pete

-- Posted by Anthea on Thu, Feb 19, 2009, at 9:21 PM

Another poem was just sent to me via my email and I will not post the author's name, but it is obvious it speaks of a High School girl's experience with malicious gossip and I feel, this poem just screams with pain.

__________

Gossip

torn apart by gossip

destroyed by half truths

the girls at school don't know me

but they act as if they do

they whisper and they giggle

as i walk down the halls

making school unliveable-

do they even care at all?

sometimes i think they must be right

maybe i am cheap