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Thursday, Dec. 25, 2014

Death of the Twinkie Kid

Posted Monday, November 19, 2012, at 8:32 AM

Hostess Bakeries, the makers of Wonder Bread and Twinkies, filed for Chapter 7 Liquidation Bankruptcy Nov. 16, and has gone out of business.

Although they survived the Great Depression, three major wars, the crumbling of the Berlin Wall, prior bankruptcy filings by the parent company, and all the jokes about their post-apocalyptic staying power, ultimately, they could survive no longer.

Twinkies were 82-years-old.

In May of this year, Hostess filed for Chapter 11 Reorganization Bankruptcy.

Parties variously claim the reasons for the financial problems include declining sales, unreasonable union demands, and poor management that paid themselves too much.

All of these claims likely have truth in them.

With $2.5 billion in sales and 18,500 employees, Hostess was one of the United States largest bakers.

Hostess bakeries were the makers of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Suzy Q's, Devil Dogs, Yodels, Ring Dings, Snow Balls, variously flavored fruit pies and Zingers.

They also made Wonder Bread, Mini Muffins, Donuts and coffee cake.

Unfortunately, whatever took Hostess to Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, when the baker's union refused to accept the most recent offer, the private owners determined that they could not survive with the new Obamacare costs and tax rates set to rise in January.

Due to competition, the profit margin on grocery items is very small, and the new costs were the last, but not only, nail in the coffin lid.

You would think that an avid pot smoker like our President would have a soft spot for Twinkies and offer a bailout.

But apparently, even Twinkies must be sacrificed for the greater good of healthcare.

While the national health meister, Michelle Obama, may not be unhappy about Hostess going out of business, the remaining members of the Choom Gang must be devastated.

As a lawyer, I am particularly effected by this devastating news.

No, it has nothing to do with my Rubenesque girth, but rather, the famed "Twinkie Defense."

The Twinkie Defense was used by defense attorneys for Dan White, the man who murdered San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone.

Twinkies, which in elite liberal circles were called "the cream puff of the proletariat," became a lunchtime staple for post-World War II generations of schoolchildren.

Somehow, they managed to take the sting off the bologna sandwich and the dutiful apple.

Yes, back in the day, it was normal for kids to bring lunch to school.

I doubt whether there could have been weekday afternoon children's programming without Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Ding Dongs.

Cowboy Bob and The Twinkie Kid seemed to be amigos to the child viewers like me.

And, who can forget that scene in the animated movie, "WALL-E," set hundreds of years in the future.

The only surviving species on Earth is the cockroach.

The favorite food of this animated cockroach is abnormally fresh Twinkies. (Folklore aside, the Twinkie's shelf life is two to three weeks).

Sadly, state and county fairs will never be the same.

Just imagine, no more deep fried Twinkies.

While I have never tried them, they were a popular staple among the stick mounted food set.

Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Wonder Bread are likely to come back.

Someone will buy the recipes and brand names.

Twinkies are still produced in Canada by Saputo Incorporated's Vachon Inc. (in a bakery in Montreal), which owns the Canadian rights for the product and is not affected by the events here in the United States.

Hmmm, why do I suddenly think that there will be more Twinkie smuggling across the border from Vancouver, than BC Bud?

Actually, there would be a kind of synergy by smuggling them together.



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