Age is Relevant

This is not pretty and parental guidance is advised. You may not want your kids to read this. Age is relevant. To a 10-year-old, 20 is old. To a 20-year-old, 40 is ancient. To a teenager, 70 is the walking dead. I'm 71. By anybody's standards that's old. And when you get old your body and your life change a lot.

When you're young your skin looks healthy and vibrant. My skin used to be firm and in the right places. Then it seemed one day I got up and looked in the mirror and everything was wrinkled and sagging. My face reminded me of a Halloween jack-o-lantern in January. Eyes and mouth collapsing, skin looked like it was melting. Cottage cheese from waist to knees. Lumpy butt and hips.

And, oh, my gosh, the boobs. They put up the white flag and totally surrendered to the force of gravity. Do you remember the canned meat products? Like Spam? It was in a metal can and had a key attached that you wound around the top of the can to peel off a strip of the metal so you could open the can. Well, now I need a key to hook to my boobs to wind them up so I can fit them in my bra.

But what can I do about it? Oh, I've heard, "you can dress better and wear make-up." And I've tried that. But you're not going to beat Father Time. I just look like an old woman in nicer clothes with rosy cheeks on a face that looks like a Halloween jack-o-lantern in January.

After you turn 70 your life changes greatly. When you were younger your kids looked up to you. Friends and co-workers came to you for advice. They asked your opinion about all kinds of subjects. They laughed with you and included you in their lives. You were needed, had a purpose, had a future and were relevant.

At 70 and older, you're irrelevant. No one asks for your opinion. If you offer one, what you'll most likely just get is a patronizing smile. No one laughs at your jokes anymore. Social functions decrease significantly.

People start telling you what you should do and where and how you should live. Your main job is to stay out of the way. It seems we are not relevant, not needed, have no future and no purpose except to keep the medical profession and funeral homes in business. My main social life now is doctor visits and seeing old friends at the funeral home.

I can't change any of that. So all I know to do is to change my attitude. I'm just going to think about the positives. I'm going to list all the good things about getting old.

Number one is grandkids. They are absolutely wonderful. To me my grandkids are intelligent, beautiful, handsome and can do anything. They make me laugh when I'm sad. They laugh at my jokes even if they don't get it. They ask my opinion about things even when they have no intention of following my advice. They are the sunshine in my life of cloudy days. When I'm around them I don't feel the jack-o-lantern face or the cottage cheese and I don't need the boob key. I feel young, needed, invincible and relevant. The nicest words I've ever heard are "love you, Grandma." I would happily die for them.

Number two ... ummm thinking. There is no number two. At least not that I see. If you think of any please call or text me and let me know. Keep smiling.

Linda Messmer is a Brazil resident and past reporter for The Brazil Times. Look for her next column in an upcoming Monday edition of the paper.