‘It don’t hurt like it used to’

I heard a new country song by Billy Currington the other day called “It Don’t Hurt Like It Used To.” It’s about a guy with a broken heart trying to get over losing his girlfriend. When I heard the song it made me think about my late husband, Steve. He’s been gone more than three years now.

He didn’t leave me by choice like the person in the song did, so I didn’t have to deal with the rejection that must go with a break-up. But he did leave and it did hurt, a lot. Some people have said that three years is long enough to grieve. Others have said that I need to get over it and get on with my life.

People grieve in their own way in their own time. I’m not sure where I am in the grieving process. I’m also not sure what “get over it” means in this situation. But I am getting on with my life.

When Steve died we were both 68 years old. I’m now 72 but Steve is still 68. He will always be 68. But I’ll continue to age as long as I live. I will change daily as life circumstances require it. He will, forever, remain as he was at 68. So the only way I can keep him as an active part of my life is to live in the past. If I do that then I have no present and I have no future. I won’t be able to move forward. If I live in the past I will have emotionally died when he did.

I’m not ready for that. There’s too many things I still want to see and do. I want to see another brilliant pink, red, orange sunrise while walking in the morning. Through an open window, I want to hear the sound of falling rain as I go to sleep. I want to feel the loud silence of a fresh blanket of snow.

I want to know my children are successful and happy. Watching my grandsons play football and lacrosse is a true pleasure. I want to see a granddaughter march in the band and try for a state title. I hope to see all my grandchildren graduate from college. Someday I hope to see great grandbabies. I’d like to spend more time with friends. And I want to continue sharing my life with three people I’ve experienced life with since I was born, my brothers and sister. I can’t do any of that if I live in the past.

My husband will always remain in my heart and in my memories. But he must stay in the past. He has no choice. I have choices. I believe happiness is a choice. I think I’ll find happiness in my children, grandchildren, siblings and friends by choosing to live in the present and looking to the future.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some wounds never heal. But passage of time can help you get used to the changes in your life. And that can ease the pain. I hope this can help someone else who may be going through this transition, no matter who you’ve lost or how long it’s been. You’re not alone. “It don’t hurt like it used to.” But it still hurts. Keep smiling.

Linda Messmer can be reached at 812-448-8725