Earlier this week, when Major League Baseball officials testified in front of the Congressional Oversight Committee, the words "performance enhancers" were used often.

Also brought to the public's attention was a list of actors, actresses and singers who have been linked to Human Growth Hormone (HGH) use.

Congress suggested that Senator George Mitchell, whose report brought the likes of Bud Selig and Donald Fehr in front of the panel, use his sleuthing skills to assist in other congressional investigations.

So before Mitchell or a member of his law firm's team breaks down my door, I will admit:

I use performance enhancers.

If you look at my home and work computers, I am ashamed to say, I use spell-check. Frequently.

I know if you're supposedly good enough to be a professional writer, you shouldn't have to use spell-check to get ahead of the next guy coming up.

But these new writers, they're just so fast and computer literate. It's hard to keep up with them without using some artificial intelligence.

And like Brian McNamee is to Roger Clemens (supposedly), I too have my suppliers.

The composing team I work with keeps me constantly wired.

Robin walks with me to Speedway to get some HCMD (Highly Caffeinated Mt. Dew), and Jan pushes the Folgerstine like it's going out of style. Of course, I take both orally.

But I swear I only use Google or Wikipedia when I need a quick turnaround from one school board meeting to another. I know it is wrong, and I feel really bad.

But there's a new breed coming, and if I'm going to keep my roster spot in the newsroom bullpen, I have to have that competitive edge.

I've let down the children of America.

I hope my fans and my family can forgive me for the embarassment I've caused them.

Please address any questions to my lawyers, Merriam & Webster.