Nightmares with clothing

Sunday, March 9, 2008

OK, I admit it. I broke down a few days ago and had a "girly" moment.

While trapped in the doctor's office, I glanced at a few pages of the spring edition of Vogue.

With Spring Break only a few days away, it sure doesn't feel like the potential for warm weather is anywhere in the near future.

The old saying goes ... if the weather in the month of March comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb.

Personally, I'm looking forward to a little lamb-like weather.

Don't know about you, but I'm tired of wearing two pairs of socks just to keep my feet warm.

There is a soft, light-as-air feeling that comes with spring. I love to fly kites, walk in the spring rain and enjoy a bike ride among the newly budding trees.

The sun is warm, the air smells new and the world around us is refreshed.

Long before there were clothes dryers in every home, as a child I loved watching the women of Carbon hang their laundry on backyard clotheslines to billow in the fresh spring air on Mondays.

It was so much fun to run or ride a bike between two lines of sheets and smell the laundry soap, but you knew to never get caught doing that at your own house or there would be quick retribution that made riding a bike or sitting down for a couple of days a little difficult.

As if wearing a uniform, many of the housewives of the day swiped one of their husbands' T-shirts to pair with long flowing skirts or Capri pants while others wore homemade summer dresses called "Muumuus," but all the women had their hair tied back with a bandanna as they did their annual spring-cleaning.

It is a wonderful, nostalgic time to remember.

But I have come to hate one thing about warmer weather over the years, the annual spring wardrobe according to Vogue.

Although it's not on any fashion designer's list of spring clothing, when its warm weather time, I'm happy to wear a faded pair of jeans rolled up to the knee, a T-shirt and a pair of tennis shoes.

Let's face it, I'm not a spring chicken anymore and apparently fashion trends haven't aged or expanded with me. Clothes are designed for the 20-somethings, not the 40-ish and slightly overweight crowd I belong to.

My younger days of being a size 12 have been replaced with adult size 16 clothes.

At age 43, and after giving birth to two children, I don't have the body for tank tops or mini swishy skirts anymore and God knows wearing a quirky belt is out of the question. Honestly, I feel like a sausage when trussed up in today's fashions. Which brings me to another complaint: I challenge someone in the fashion/clothing industry to lay five pairs of women's' pants or blue jeans labeled size 14 from five different manufactures on a table and then explain to me why they are all different fits.

A note for male readers: That's why it takes women forever to go shopping. We have to try everything we wear on first to find the right size before buying something.

Men can walk into a store, grab a package of T-shirts, a pair of jeans and pick a shirt off a rack in 15 minutes because of universal sizing and they're ready to go home.

But fashion designers have been a part of the clothing industry for women for years, which doesn't make shopping easy for women.

I've chased after two kids for many years, so wearing the trendy 4-6-inch heel shoes that are supposed to be in style this spring is completely out of the question.

Accessories are supposed to be big this year, but who has the time find the perfect pair of sunglasses, matching floppy hat and slinky party bag. There are mornings when I'm lucky to find my glasses and matching shoes before going out the door to work!

The use of materials covered in spots, stripes, stars and large floral prints to make clothing may be appealing to young people, but I feel like I'm wearing a suit thrown away by a demented clown.

According to fashion designers there are several new theme designs to choose from this spring season, including warrior queen, strip teasers, on safari and flirty.

The draping fabric of the warrior queen tunic dresses look beautiful, but I imagine myself looking like a disheveled mess of bunched up living room curtains.

Considering I won't wear it in the bedroom, getting undressed for the seductive strip teaser theme in lingerie just isn't going to happen.

Although my job takes me lots of places, I'm not interested in going on a safari wearing khaki shorts and a safari jacket.

Layers of transparent cloth might give the impression of light elegance and movement, but one big puff of wind and there's nothing left to the imagination.

When did fashion designers get the right to determine the wardrobe of so many women without really considering the lives we live? Why do retail stores inflict their ideas upon us without really providing a choice?

Can you imagine cleaning your house, hanging laundry on a clothesline or chasing after a mischievous toddler in a mini-skirt and six-inch heels? Any Dave Matthews fans out there hear the lyrics to "Crash Into Me" right now?

"Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me" I'm a frumpy 43-year old working mother and I don't think so!